Relativist Revealed as Embodiment of Evil (DP)

Dissociated Press
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dark Northern Forests

When rumors about the evil in the fundament of a Finnish freak thinker began to circulate in early October, few could guess just how on the mark the suspicions were. Sources have since confirmed the actuality of the allegations, fueled by a surprise discovery of incriminating photographic evidence on a perfectly peaceful Sunday afternoon. In the shocking photo below, he is seen measuring the sum total of the fibers of his being.

This shocking photo was taken by an unsuspecting amateur photographer,
who was studying the life of frog philosophers at the local village pond.

According to a U.S. based team of professional psychopathologists and forensic experts, this unsettling photo is undeniable proof of the presence of evil in his fundament. Suspicions of evil first began to rise with his obstinate unwillingness to accept any one point of view as absolute or clearly eminent, and the subsequent refusal to conduct himself according to rules and rituals derived thereof. His sympathy for Pyrrhonism, an early Greek cult of Satanistic thought, has since been confirmed.

Dubbed a cancer to be denounced vehemently by ideological professionals, his brand of thought advocates an ideology where nothing is certain, and everything is perpetually open to question. According to a spokesman of the Church of Absolute Truth, "The very thought of having no absolutes to comfort ourselves with is abhorrent, and a direct slap in the face of all organized religion and established ideology."

That notwithstanding, the former Hari Krishna Guru figure has garnered some support from audiences bent on decadence and moral turpitude, eager to legitimize their ambivalent approach to the very foundations of life and human society. According to sources, he is currently in hiding somewhere in the dark forests of the northern hemisphere, developing an underground laboratory with a team of quantum scientists to prove once and for all "that nothing is certain, and everything in a perpetual state of quantum uncertainty." (DP)

The Dangers of Incoherent Internet Usage (HS)

Half-Satori.Com:
Beyond the Holy Cows
DP Guest Editorials

Internet forums and blog comments tend to fill with the obscurest possible attempts at verbal communication. Many posts are so indescribably incoherent that they are rarely intelligible even to the architect of the verbal potpourri himself. It's all fun and games they say, yet few understand the very real dangers writing on the internet in an incoherent state of mind can cause to innocent readers.

Be a responsible internet person — consider the potential psychological and physiological injuries your readers may sustain when exposed to your writings. The following flowchart presents a basic five-point-program to help overcome the urge to post in heightened states of incoherence. If you are an incoherent addict, print it out and and study it whenever you feel the urge to post your productions to a website.

Exercise particular attention when posting to a site you are addicted to, as addictions tend to lower the threshold for emotional and irrational responses. A special word of caution is in place for addicts posting under anonymous aliases on sites they've sworn to never participate at again. While self-control and peer support may help some get over their budding addiction, advanced cases of focused iOCD are best left in the hands of trained professionals.

Star Wars: Cult Derelicts (DP)

Dissociated Press
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Hollywood, USA

The tragicomic saga of Ananda Skywalker, Finnish philosopher and Hare Krishna derelict, recently recognized as the prodigal son of a former cult leader, has finally reached the big screen. Written and directed by George Lucas, the narration is transplanted from the original alien environment into a familiar science fiction universe.

Screenshot with Wader and Skywalker from last week's Cult Derelicts teaser.

Matching expectations from fans worldwide, the long-waited Hollywood rendering of the saga explores the love-hate relationship of young Padawan and Dark Wader in substantial detail. While the juicy revelations do explain a great deal of Wader's obsessive-compulsive disorder towards Skywalker, rumors abound even the director doesn't know what exactly is going on in Wader's head.

Distributed by Warner Bros, the flick is scheduled for global release on April 15th. While heavily criticized by critics, fans have been going nuts with trailers and sneak peeks at SWcultDerelicts.Com. Looks like another box office rattler from George Lucas in the coming, whatever the critics' opinion!

Religious Leaders Condemn Bad Album Cover (DP)

Dissociated Press
Thursday, Feb 19, 2009
Maui, Hawaii

Following the bold portrayal of a former Hare Krishna devotee as Michael Jackson in a manipulated version of his 1987 album Bad, religious leaders the world over have condemned both the rancid illustration and the anonymous artist involved. Members of International Shiva Council based in Maui, Hawaii, have been rallying the island's popular beaches, handing out matchboxes and print-outs of the said illustration, modified to include the words "death to infidels".

Offending cover contrasted with other contemporary examples of alleged blasphemy.

Sources tell the artist has fled to Denmark and now lives in a burrow on the plains somewhere south of Copenhagen, now a participant in a high-level witness identity protection program of Danish Security Intelligence Service (DSIS). "It was like the Mohammed comic strip episode all over again, only ten times worse," said a representative for the Ministry of Interior, declining to comment on government involvement in the artist's protection.

A representative for International Shiva Council of Latter-day Michael Jacksons (SCLAMJA), a new religious organization who reveres Michael Jackson as the Supreme Personality of Godhead, compared this to the 1967 outrage caused by the cover of Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix, in which the musician's face was superimposed to an old Hindu painting depicting the universal form of God. Readers who are not old hippies may also be reminded of the cover of Aerosmith's 1997 album Nine Lives, depicting Krishna dancing atop the many-hooded Kaliya-snake with his head replaced with a cat's.

Michael Jackson, currently visiting the Never-Never Land, was unavailable for comment. A press release from the artist's public relations office notes in a jovial tone that if Mr. Jackson is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, despite the fact that he really wants to be Peter Pan, then surely he wishes for all his little friends to be Supreme Personalities of Godhead too. Or in the now God's own words, "Why can't you share your bed? That's the most loving thing to do, to share your bed with someone." (DP)

East India Company Implicated in Academic Bribery (DP)

Dissociated Press
Monday, Feb 16, 2009
Marburg, Germany

In a surprise news shaking the contemporary academic world, documents found in the archives of the Department of Indology, Marburg University, reveal substantial East India Company sponsorship behind global indological research as recently as 2007.

The company, previously thought to have gone defunct in 1858, is now rumored to be as active as ever in influencing the direction of mainstream indological studies. The documents discovered apparently feature a re-confirmation of an original covenant dating to mid-19th century, signed by Max Müller and Ralph Griffith among others.

Rumors abound over the objectives and supporting forces behind the company. Senior officer for the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), who declined to be identified, has confirmed the presence of East India Company representatives in high-level staff meetings on several occasions.

Sources tell that the Queen of England is still bent on exercising her dominion over colonies of past, supporting the systematic campaign of misinformation interpreting old Indic religious texts as mere animistic ritualism. With the renewed funding of the British Empire, the East India Company is rumored to be educating the Indian masses on the Holy Gospel of Christ under the convenient veil of indology. (DP)

Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul (DP)

Dissociated Press
January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland

In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.

As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.

All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.

The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki. (DP)